Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Greatest Query Letter Ever Written

Re: Query

 

To Whom It May Concern,

I heard that your not reading Young Adult manuscripts right now, but mine is so terrific that you will definitely reconsider. I am currently an unpublished writer trying to hire an agent for my fiction novel, which is sure to make a lot of money. I have tried probably a billion times to sell my novel, but I get nothing but rejections from publishers so I guess I have to go the "agent route" even if that means being forced to pay a comission. As you may or may not know the writing market has really taken a dive lately, so you will be surprised to find out that, after 58 years of honning my craft, I have as yet to "make it." But that's a whole nother story!

My 840,000 word Young Adult fictional manuscript starts off with Chapter 1. Chapter 1 is only 35 pages long and is a very detailed description of the weather, which is important (as you may or may not know) for establishing the mood. The next chapter (Chapter 2) is where the "meat" of the story begins! In it, the hero (female) comes home from school and has dinner with her parents. After talking with her folks about school and what classes she likes and what her homework is, she goes to watch TV, but her little brother is hogging it. They get in a fight and then the Mom tells them to calm down. Suddenly the phone rings! It is the principal to tell her (the hero's) parents what a terific student she is. So she relaxes and says, "Ah, this is the life!" But as it turns out, she is actually a vampire! We learn this in Chapter 5.

The plot thickens in Chapter 12 when she falls in love one day with a boy at school. But he is NOT a vampire, and so she feels conflicted. They do not have sex because she is worried she might bite him during it and "accidentally" turn him into a vampire too (although I can happily add a sex scene, if you think it will sell). You are probably asking yourself, "This sounds familiar?" as this might sound very similar to a very similar novel already out there which I will heretofore leave unmentionable, but it is NOT, it is TOTALLY DIFFERENT, because the girl is the vampire, not the boy. Will the hero (female) and the other hero (male) ever have sex? You will have to read the entire novel to find out!!

Please let me known immediately (don't take months to answer this, just a simple yes or no) if you are interested into representing my novel "MOIST ARMS" as how could you not be since I am obviously tapping into a very HOT genra. Please be advise that this novel is COPYRIGHT so you cannot take it and pass it off as your own, or I WILL SUE. Also, this is NOT based on a true story, so any potential film makers who will want to make it into a movie don't have to buy life rights or anything.

You're website said to query first before sending the complete ms, but I did you a favor and pasted the entire novel into the body of the email below in case you wanted to "dive right in." I can still give you one of my self-published copies quickly if you want that, however, since I live only three and a half blocks from your office. I have enclosed a picture of me so you will recogize me when I come to see you.

Best wishes,

P.S. This can be a series, just give me the nod and I'll start writing book 2 of 10.

P.P.S. I also sent a copy to Oprah so if she picks my book I am going to need a publisher STAT! So please prioritize.

P.P.P.S. Let me know if you find my picture attractive.

5 comments:

  1. Haha. That's perfect! Send that bad boy out right away!

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  2. That last Postscript is definitely a deal maker for me.

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  3. 840K words... might need to save that for holiday reading... that's if you fancy going on holiday with a wheelbarrow load of paper.

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  4. MOIST ARMS. Oh god I can't breathe.

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  5. Please take my query down. Thanks.

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